A Sure Fire Way to Feel Better About Yourself

There are those of us who have really unfortunate, awful things happen to them. Medical issues, family issues, job issues... Those things generally suck and it's very difficult to feel better after suffering through a real tragedy.

...Then there are most other people, who don't have some horrible event happen, but rather have to suffer embarrassment or shame due to some "little" incident. For those people, there are sites like www.fmylife.com.

Here, ordinary people like you and me can share and comiserate about some of the terrible (but not too terrible) things that have happened to us. Or, you can just laugh at all the poor shmucks who submitted their stories. ...But let's face it, we all have a "fuck my life" story to contribute, don't we? Here are a few choice selections:

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

and my favorite (because it's happened to me):

Today, after a late night at the bars, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response, "I live here." FML

Are some of these made up? Who knows... Probably. But hey, if you can't suspend your disbelief long enough to have a good laugh at these mini-stories, well... I dunno. Lighten up, man!

-e

Election Analogy #1

Here's my take on the election analogy pictures that have been going around lately:

Something's Not Quite Right Here...

Apparently, some nutjob broke into the home of 2 Fresno, CA farmworkers yesterday and stole some money.

Why is this so strange? After all, home invasion and theft isn't that uncommon. Ah yes, but 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez is no ordinary burglar. This guy took it upon himself to rub spices on one of the residents and then wacked the other one with an 8-inch sausage before he ran off.

...Yeah, take that one in for a second...

So, not only did this guy break into a house, rub spices on one of the sleeping inhabitants and slap the other guy with an 8-inch long kilbasa, but this dumbass left his wallet in the house! Why? Who knows... probably because he left his pants there as well?? He was found hiding in a nearby field wearing only a t-shirt, boxers and socks.

?!?!

The only one who lucked out is the dog who found the giant piece of sausage after Vazquez chucked it while fleeing the scene.

hahahaha...

-e

Repent... Or Else!

You best get your ass to church or else Mike Crain is going to come karate chop your FACE!!


You heard it here first.

-e

In Case You Were Wondering Which Bus This Is...

I took this shot about a year ago when I was up at Belleayre Mountain. Apparently the driver wanted to make it ABSOLUTELY clear which bus this was.



-e

Chest Bumps: Definitely Not Presidential Behavior

I mean, let's be honest. At this point, there are few things that Ol' Dubya could do to surprise or disappoint us more. If I saw a picture of President Bush getting a lapdance from a transvestite stripper in a seedy club in Bangkok, honesty, I'd probably just flip over to the Lakers article.

...That being said, here's a little something to make you shake your head (probably not for the last time, mind you). Below is a picture of W chest bumping a new Air Force Academy graduate at the USAF graduation ceremony yesterday in Colorado Springs, CO.


Yep. You can take the boy out of the frathouse. But you can't take the frat out of the boyhouse. I mean, White House. ...I mean. Wait... dammit.

Whatever, Bush is an idiot.

-e

No, Sue... What The Fuck Are YOU Doing?

Last night on the NBC Nightly News in New York, longtime anchor woman Sue Simmons apparently didn't realize her mic was still on right before they cut to commercial...

[Sorry, looks like NBC has gone around and made everyone take down the clip... But basically, Sue Simmons screamed "What the FUCK are you doing?!" while her mic was on during a live broadcast. It was hilarious.]

Just goes to show... Make sure your mic is off before cursing someone out.

Words to live by.

-e

Do You Suppose She Saw This Coming?

I took this picture on the way to work this morning:



One has to wonder if the owner of that sign saw this coming...

-e

In Case Anyone Was Still Wondering...

...George W. Bush is just an embarrassment in almost every way.

Yoshi Tsurumi was one of George W. Bush's professors at Harvard Business School. In an article on Salon.com, Mary Jacoby talks about Tsurumi's experiences teaching our current Presidunce, Mr. Bush. In it, Tsurumi states:

"I don't remember all the students in detail unless I'm prompted by something... But I always remember two types of students. One is the very excellent student, the type as a professor you feel honored to be working with. Someone with strong social values, compassion and intellect -- the very rare person you never forget.

Heh. We know where this is going...

"...And then you remember students like George Bush, those who are totally the opposite."

Yeah... Pretty much. It gets much better. Want more? Check out the article here.

-e

You Like-a The Vergina?

I recently discovered this beer during a trip to Chicago:


No, this isn't a joke. And yes, it's a beer called "Vergina." I found it at this Greek restaurant. It was the only Greek beer they had on the menu, so my friends and I figured, why not? It wasn't a bad beer either. But the waiter kept coming over and asking us, in a mildly creepy, dead-pan tone, "So... You guys like-a the Vergina? Eh?" To which, we hesitantly replied, "Y...Yes. Yes we do."

The best part is that, according to their website, they also have a variation of the beer called "Vergina Red." I'll let you mull that one over on your own...

Vergina is apparently also a small northern town in Greece. Who knew?

-e

Quote of the Day: Titanium Neckbands

It's a good thing they don't make titanium neckbands... Because then they'd have to cut your head off!

- My co-worker, upon hearing that people with titanium rings sometimes need to have their fingers removed in the emergency room, because the ER staff can't cut through the ring.

Dancing Storm Trooper

This one is pretty self-explanatory:



Things I Learned From This Video:

- Japanese pedestrians can't dance.
- Japanese Storm Troopers, on the other hand, can.
- It's fun to watch dancing Storm Troopers when you're hungover and unable to sleep.

Things I Am Still Confused About:

- Why hasn't Darth Vader come and kicked this guy's ass for fucking around in the streets of Japan instead of fighting the rebels?
- What's with the guy with the yellow bag on his foot around 1:17??

-e

How to Shotgun A Beer Bottle

Shotgunning, as many of us know, is a method of chugging a beer, whereby the chugger punches a hole in the side of a beer can, then cracks open the top and sucks down the beer. This is most effective when the hole is made towards the bottom of the can, which is then tilted "up" to it's normal orientation before opening the top of the can.

Recently at a after-work happy hour session, a co-worker informed me about a way to shotgun a beer from a bottle. Clearly, one cannot very well punch a hole in the side of a glass bottle. But, chugging a beer through the mouth of a bottle is difficult given a) the pressure differential created by sucking the beer out of the bottle or b) the relatively slow rate of beer drainage when one simply holds the bottle upside down.

Thus, there is a technique which, according to the omniscient Wikipedia, is known as "strawpedoing, bendy-straw, or shnorkelling." Wiki describes the process as such:

A bendy straw is inserted into the top of the bottle and the small end is bent down and held over the edge of the bottle. To drink, the mouth of the bottle and the elbow of the bendy straw is put in the mouth and upended. The bendy straw ensures a steady flow of air into the bottle, and the drink can therefore be consumed very quickly.

The Wikipedia article notes that people have actually innovated and elaborated upon this idea:

Devices have now been designed in order to both speed up and simplify the process of a strawpedo. The device consists of a large plastic tube with a smaller thinner tube inserted inside it. The large tube is placed over the top of the bottle and the beverage consumed similarly to a standard strawpedo. These are commonly known in the UK as bottle bongs or party shooters.

Who knew? It's really too bad I'm not in college anymore and don't often have to (or want to) shotgun beers. But this knowledge would definitely have come in handy several years ago. Oh well.

...But for those of you who might still be in need of a way to chug large quantities of beer from bottles, do take note.

-e

Coming Soon...?

So up in the small little town of Margaretville, NY, there is a movie theater... coming. Soon?


I don't really know what to make of this.

-e

Quote of the Day: Sleepwalking

Quote of the day:

I guess you can't really go too far if you're sleep walking... If you end up in India, you've been kidnapped.

- My co-worker, during a discussion on sleepwalking

Nickname Potential

According to Brad, my name "has some serious nickname potential." Allow Brad to demonstrate:

if you're sad: bluegene
if you move to a new place: newgene
if you get scared: boogene
if you're frustrated about something: stewgene
if you're drunk: brewgene
if you're getting it on with a chick: screwgene
if you smell: pewgene
if you're sick: flugene
if you just escaped from a dangerous situation: phewgene
if you're using the bathroom: poogene
if you're grossed out: ewgene
if you're involved in a multi-artist concert: lollapaloogene
if your apartment is cold in the wintertime: igloogene
if you're associated with a group whose mascot is a bear: baloogene
if something ain't quite right: askewgene
if you're doing something classically you: truegene

Ah Brad.

-e

Quote of The Day: Natural Defenses

I wish I got scared and then became cool.

- My co-worker upon hearing that rats poop when they get scared

In honor of Friday...

I give you... The original dancing banana:

Power Thirst: It's Crystal Meth in a Can

I normally don't post stuff like this. But this had me laughing for about 5 minutes straight. My co-workers thought I was crazy. Enjoy!



-e

Hobby: Creating Facebook Groups

Yeah, it's true. Check them out:

Whatever - A group for that "bleh, whatever" feeling.

Hi, My Name Is _______ And I'm An Apple Slut - I've called myself an Apple Slut for quite some time. I figured maybe there were some others out there that felt similarly.

For every person that joins, I will donate $.1 to the victims of Trogdor - A tribute to one of the greatest Internet cartoons ever.

Don't Ask Me... Just Google It! - I'm just sick of people asking me for information that could be very easily obtained online. This, of course, only applies to those that are sitting in front of a computer at the time. I'm more than happy to be an internet proxy for my friends when they are in a bind.

I Love Spike's Junkyard Dogs - Beacuse I do. And you should too.

Born In Chinese - This one's dedicated to my record label, Born In Chinese.

So there you have it.

-e