Monday, November 21, 2005

Second-Hand Cabin Depressurization

BRISBANE, Australia (AP) -- A French woman who is terrified of flying admitted in an Australian court Monday that she drunkenly tried to open an airplane door mid-flight to smoke a cigarette.


She walked toward one of the aircraft's emergency exits with an unlit cigarette and a lighter in her hand and began tampering with the door, prosecutors said. But a flight attendant intervened and took Sellies back to her seat.

It's a good thing she wasn't in an emergency exit row.

Defense lawyer Helen Shilton told the court Sellies was terrified of flying and had taken sleeping tablets with alcohol before takeoff.

I hear sleeping pills and alcohol go real well together. Kind of like cocaine and Drano.

Shilton said Sellies has no memory of what happened on the flight and that she has a history of sleepwalking.

Sleepwalking?! This just gets worse and worse...

But Magistrate Gordon Dean sternly warned the woman: "You must understand, if you are on a plane you must behave yourself."

Yes! And that means no touchie the cabin door while on Unisom and Jack Daniels!

Sellies, who did not speak in court and was aided by a translator, was placed on a 1,000 Australian dollar (US$734; euro623) bond -- meaning she will have to pay that amount if she commits another offense in the next 12 months.

Someone please tell me that this woman isn't going to ever get on another plane ever in her entire (or at least my entire) life!


Sunday, November 20, 2005

Bush Thwarted by Locked Doors

Our favorite funnyman, George W. Bush, embarrassed himself and our country once again yesterday as he tried to dart out of a press conference after being told by a reporter that he seemed unenthusiastic and a little "off his game."

"Holy Jeebers, Batman! This must be some sort of high-tech security force field..."

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Elevator Karma

On my way from my cubicle to the elevator today, I sighed to myself and thought "well, the workday is done, but now I have to sit and wait for this stupid elevator."

See, the elevator in our building is notoriously slow. But on top of that, it teases you into thinking that it's actually coming by groaning and grunting the way most elevators do when they are coming up to meet you. But nooo... this one still takes for-frickin'-ever to get anywhere.

So, I hit the "down" button and, lo and behold, I heard a *ding* and the elevator doors slid open! The warm and inviting elevator car was just sitting there, waiting for me to get in... It was as if it was saying "C'mon, Eugene! You get a free ride today! And ice cream!"

Despite the fact that there was no ice cream in sight, I decided that, for once, the elevator gods had decided to take some pity on me. I had paid my dues, and made my offerings. And it was time to collect. So I took my quick, wait-free ride down to the first floor, and headed off to the library.

Yes, today was a good day.


Tuesday, November 08, 2005

How hard is it to wrap a sub?!

Okay, so today I decided to try something new. Instead of gorging myself on delicious NYC pizza, I went for a healthier option and walked over to Subway instead.

I ordered a Oriental Chinky Chinaman Chicken Onion something-er-other sandwich to go... Now, before I go on, I want to make it known that, having worked in a few food service establishments, I feel somewhat justified criticising stupidity at other food services establishments... if for no other reason than, well, i know I can do a better job, and I have in the past.

Alright... so I walk back to my office and sit down at my desk, very hungry and looking forward to eating my Far East Kung Fu Chicken Sandwich with extra Slanty Eye Terriaki Sauce... I put the bag down on my desk, only to notice there's a weird bulge at the bottom.

"Gee, I think to myself, what could this be? Did my Chinaman try to escape my hungry mandibles?"

Well, long story short, the incompetent Subway worker managed to wrap my sandwich in exactly the wrong way, as to allow all the sandwich contents to spill out of the roll and collect at the bottom of my bag. I had to pick up all the pieces of my Bucktoothed Laundromat-Owning, Supermarket-Running, SARS-Contracting Chicken sandwich and drop them back into my whole wheat roll.

I mean, how hard is it to wrap a sandwich so that the innards don't leak out??

THAT's what I get for being healthy!! Gah!!