The LOST Conversations

As many of you are probably aware, the season premiere of LOST is tonight! As usual, I'm sure it will be filled with suspense, intrigue, and horn flares. Watching LOST is similar to what I imagine having a baby must be like: you sweat a lot, grit your teeth, and might even poop yourself... But in the end, it's all worth it because you have this little bundle of joy.

...Okay, fine, having a baby is nothing like watching LOST. Except for maybe the pooping part. But I did have a weird dream last night concerning what it would be like to have a conversation with John Locke and couldn't think of a better way segue, so sorry about that. Anyhow, I imagined that conversation would go something like this:

Eugene: Hi there.
Locke: Hello, Eugene.
Eugene: Whoa... How'd you know my name?
Locke: The Island told me.
Eugene: The Island? You mean that terrible movie with Scarlett Johansson?
Locke: I'm afraid I haven't seen that movie.
Eugene: You're probably better off. So who's this Jacob fellow?
Locke: You know who Jacob is?
Eugene: I guess... I just kind of heard his voice in my head.
Locke: Say, Eugene, would you mind stepping a little over towards that pit of dead bodies?
Eugene: Yes, I would. I'm leaving, you creepy old bastard.

Then I thought, what would it be like to talk to some of the other survivors of Oceanic Flight 815? Hmm...


Eugene: Hey, Jack.
Jack: Hi. Who are you?
Eugene: Oh, whew, I thought for a second that all of you guys would be as creepy as John Locke.
Jack: Yeah, John's a lunatic. Who are you?
Eugene: Oh right. I'm Eugene.
Jack: Nice to meet you, I'm Jack.
Eugene: So what was it like being stuck on that island?
Jack: Well, I was working these two chicks for about 100 days but never got lucky. I even had to watch one of them have wild animal sex in a cage with another guy.
Eugene: Yikes. That's roug-- wait, you "had" to?
Jack: Yeah, it was rough...
Eugene: Hm. So, is that why you're wasted at 2 in the afternoon?
Jack: Don't you judge me!! You're just like my father! [starts sobbing]
Eugene: What?
Jack: [Still sobbing] I wanna go back!! I wanna go back to the island!!
Eugene: Man, you really do need to get laid.
Jack: Well... I gave CPR to an old lady dying of cancer, a former addict/hobbit, and a crazy Scottish dude. Does that count?
Eugene: Wha--? No. No, that's just really sketchy.
Jack: I'm sorry. It's been a long 100 days.
Eugene: Sure it has. I'm leaving now.


Eugene: Helloooo, nurse!
Kate: It’s Kate. Who are you?
Eugene: Eugene.
Kate: Stay away from my son.
Eugene: Who? Wha… Oh, that kid over there? But he doesn’t look like you at a—
Kate: STAY AWAY FROM MY SON!
Eugene: Ha! You’re sexy when you’re crazy. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Kate: That joke isn’t supposed to be directed at a girl. And yes, it is a gun.
Eugene: Right. Have fun with your “son.” I’m leaving. ….Psycho hose beast.


Black Smoke Monster: [incoherent whisper]
Eugene: Holy shit! Please don’t kill me!
Black Smoke Monster: [incoherent whisper]
Eugene: What are you?? What do you want??
Black Smoke Monster: [incoherent whisper]
Eugene: Fuck this shit! I’m out of here! [runs away]
Black Smoke Monster: … Aw, c’mon! I was just fucking with you!
Jack’s Dead Father: See? What did I tell you? If you keep killing people, you’ll never have any friends.
Black Smoke Monster: JESUS! Where the fuck did you come from?? You have to stop appearing out of nowhere. That shit is annoying as fuck.
Jack's Dead Father: Ha! You should've seen the look on your cloud-face.
Black Smoke Monster: Yeah? You should've seen the how about you SHUT YOUR FACE?? Drunk asshole.
Jack’s Dead Father: I’m sober!
Black Smoke Monster: That’s just because you haven’t found any booze on the island yet.
Jack’s Dead Father: … Isn’t there some rum buried around here somewhere?
Black Smoke Monster: You saw that in Pirates of the Caribbean, dumbass.
Jack’s Dead Father: Shit. Fuck this place, I’m leaving.


Eugene: Hey, Sawyer
Sawyer: Yo, Skinny McGee.
Eugene: Skinny McWhat?
Sawyer: Sorry. I gave all the good nicknames to everyone else on the island.
Eugene: Well, I suppose it could be worse. What are you up to?
Sawyer: I was just sittin’ here reading and drinking really old beer. ‘Til you came along.
Eugene: Yeah, good thing I did! Books are boring. You seem pretty relaxed.
Sawyer: Why wouldn’t I be? I’m on an island paradise, I finally killed the guy who killed my mom, I got all the fish and coconut I could possibly eat… Hey, I even did it with a hot chick in a cage!
Eugene: Yeah, I heard. Man, I feel bad for Jack…
Sawyer: What’d you say?
Eugene: Nothing. Can I have a beer?
Sawyer: Sorry, last one. You'll have to go get more from Ben’s father.
Eugene: Ben's father? You mean the dead guy in the van? I’ll pass. Enjoy your dead person beer. I’m leaving.

Hm... On second thought, maybe I don't want to talk to any of those people. I guess being stranded on a crazy, sort of living island is enough to drive anyone nuts.

-e