Subway Etiquette - Stair Stopper

Dear people of NYC (Or anyone planning on visiting NYC and using the subway),

DO NOT STOP* on, around, near, at the top of, or at the bottom of the stairs in the subway! People are trying to get the train and it's really quite annoying when you miss a train by that much because some chump decided that the last stair step would be a good place to stop and check your iPod... It's also frustrates me to no end when I'm trying to get OUT of the subway station and can't because someone can't figure out which way is east and decided that the very top of the narrow-ass stairway was a GREAT place to stop and look around, despite the 15 people tromping up the stairs behind him/me.

*Unless you are injured or disabled in some manner, in which case you may stop. I may be angry, but I'm not heartless...

Thank you.

-e

Asians In the (Inaugural) Spotlight

I just wanted to geek out a little bit about how a few Asians played pretty integral roles (both direct and indirect) in the inauguration ceremonies last week:

Yo-Yo Ma
Yeah, maybe his cello performance was “lip-synced”. But let’s face it, he’s no Milli. Or even Vanilli. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that this guy can pull off a soul-shaking, life-altering performance. In fact, he can probably do so with less effort than you or I use to scratch our butt. The important thing is, he was up there, smiling, having the time of his life, doing what he was put on this earth to do: play the $*%@#! out of the cello... And he was doing it for an incredible ocassion.

Jason Wu
This 26-year old designer apparently had no idea his dress was even picked by the First Lady until he saw it on TV. According to Wu, the only protocol for the dress was that "it had to sparkle." And sparkle it did! The man's was already gaining quite a bit of noteriety in the fashion business. Says the Times: "His dolls ($70 to $400) are sold at F. A. O. Schwarz. His evening dresses ($2,990 to $4,700) are sold at Bergdorf Goodman... Mr. Wu mentions that his collection is expected to have sales of $4 million this year." Awesome.

Luke Song
This guy designed the infamous hat that Aretha Franklin wore during her performance of “My Country ‘Tis of Thee.” Apparently the first lady of soul has been a customer of his family’s store for about 20 years. Oh yeah, and the hat store is called Mr. Song Millinery. I had no idea the word "millinery" even existed until now. Yay for Asians and new vocabulary!

Konrad Ng
Admittedly, Konrad didn’t “do” anything at the inauguration. But as the First Brother-In-Law, he was sitting up there, as part of the first family. How awesome is that?? The NY Times even did an article about the multi-cultural nature of the First Family.

Props to mah peoples.

-e

Gripefoot

Grapefruit:

Really healthy for you... But impossible to eat at work with a plastic spoon.

xkcd has a funny look on grapefruits (though with a little sugar, they are quite tasty).

-e

The LOST Conversations

As many of you are probably aware, the season premiere of LOST is tonight! As usual, I'm sure it will be filled with suspense, intrigue, and horn flares. Watching LOST is similar to what I imagine having a baby must be like: you sweat a lot, grit your teeth, and might even poop yourself... But in the end, it's all worth it because you have this little bundle of joy.

...Okay, fine, having a baby is nothing like watching LOST. Except for maybe the pooping part. But I did have a weird dream last night concerning what it would be like to have a conversation with John Locke and couldn't think of a better way segue, so sorry about that. Anyhow, I imagined that conversation would go something like this:

Eugene: Hi there.
Locke: Hello, Eugene.
Eugene: Whoa... How'd you know my name?
Locke: The Island told me.
Eugene: The Island? You mean that terrible movie with Scarlett Johansson?
Locke: I'm afraid I haven't seen that movie.
Eugene: You're probably better off. So who's this Jacob fellow?
Locke: You know who Jacob is?
Eugene: I guess... I just kind of heard his voice in my head.
Locke: Say, Eugene, would you mind stepping a little over towards that pit of dead bodies?
Eugene: Yes, I would. I'm leaving, you creepy old bastard.

Then I thought, what would it be like to talk to some of the other survivors of Oceanic Flight 815? Hmm...


Eugene: Hey, Jack.
Jack: Hi. Who are you?
Eugene: Oh, whew, I thought for a second that all of you guys would be as creepy as John Locke.
Jack: Yeah, John's a lunatic. Who are you?
Eugene: Oh right. I'm Eugene.
Jack: Nice to meet you, I'm Jack.
Eugene: So what was it like being stuck on that island?
Jack: Well, I was working these two chicks for about 100 days but never got lucky. I even had to watch one of them have wild animal sex in a cage with another guy.
Eugene: Yikes. That's roug-- wait, you "had" to?
Jack: Yeah, it was rough...
Eugene: Hm. So, is that why you're wasted at 2 in the afternoon?
Jack: Don't you judge me!! You're just like my father! [starts sobbing]
Eugene: What?
Jack: [Still sobbing] I wanna go back!! I wanna go back to the island!!
Eugene: Man, you really do need to get laid.
Jack: Well... I gave CPR to an old lady dying of cancer, a former addict/hobbit, and a crazy Scottish dude. Does that count?
Eugene: Wha--? No. No, that's just really sketchy.
Jack: I'm sorry. It's been a long 100 days.
Eugene: Sure it has. I'm leaving now.


Eugene: Helloooo, nurse!
Kate: It’s Kate. Who are you?
Eugene: Eugene.
Kate: Stay away from my son.
Eugene: Who? Wha… Oh, that kid over there? But he doesn’t look like you at a—
Kate: STAY AWAY FROM MY SON!
Eugene: Ha! You’re sexy when you’re crazy. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Kate: That joke isn’t supposed to be directed at a girl. And yes, it is a gun.
Eugene: Right. Have fun with your “son.” I’m leaving. ….Psycho hose beast.


Black Smoke Monster: [incoherent whisper]
Eugene: Holy shit! Please don’t kill me!
Black Smoke Monster: [incoherent whisper]
Eugene: What are you?? What do you want??
Black Smoke Monster: [incoherent whisper]
Eugene: Fuck this shit! I’m out of here! [runs away]
Black Smoke Monster: … Aw, c’mon! I was just fucking with you!
Jack’s Dead Father: See? What did I tell you? If you keep killing people, you’ll never have any friends.
Black Smoke Monster: JESUS! Where the fuck did you come from?? You have to stop appearing out of nowhere. That shit is annoying as fuck.
Jack's Dead Father: Ha! You should've seen the look on your cloud-face.
Black Smoke Monster: Yeah? You should've seen the how about you SHUT YOUR FACE?? Drunk asshole.
Jack’s Dead Father: I’m sober!
Black Smoke Monster: That’s just because you haven’t found any booze on the island yet.
Jack’s Dead Father: … Isn’t there some rum buried around here somewhere?
Black Smoke Monster: You saw that in Pirates of the Caribbean, dumbass.
Jack’s Dead Father: Shit. Fuck this place, I’m leaving.


Eugene: Hey, Sawyer
Sawyer: Yo, Skinny McGee.
Eugene: Skinny McWhat?
Sawyer: Sorry. I gave all the good nicknames to everyone else on the island.
Eugene: Well, I suppose it could be worse. What are you up to?
Sawyer: I was just sittin’ here reading and drinking really old beer. ‘Til you came along.
Eugene: Yeah, good thing I did! Books are boring. You seem pretty relaxed.
Sawyer: Why wouldn’t I be? I’m on an island paradise, I finally killed the guy who killed my mom, I got all the fish and coconut I could possibly eat… Hey, I even did it with a hot chick in a cage!
Eugene: Yeah, I heard. Man, I feel bad for Jack…
Sawyer: What’d you say?
Eugene: Nothing. Can I have a beer?
Sawyer: Sorry, last one. You'll have to go get more from Ben’s father.
Eugene: Ben's father? You mean the dead guy in the van? I’ll pass. Enjoy your dead person beer. I’m leaving.

Hm... On second thought, maybe I don't want to talk to any of those people. I guess being stranded on a crazy, sort of living island is enough to drive anyone nuts.

-e

Amen.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around... when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say, Amen. --Rev. Joseph Lowery

New Term: "Hangry"

I coined a new term today:

Hangry (adj.)
1. having a desire, craving, or need for food that is so intense that said need turns a normally affable person into a grouchy, irritable, and/or surly beast.

2. indicating, characteristic of, or characterized by hunger mixed with anger: When told the wait time for a table would be 45 minutes, the restaurant patron gave the hostess a hangry stare.

3. strongly or eagerly desirous... and angry.

4. marked by a scarcity of food... and anger.

5. Informal. aggressively ambitious or competitive... and angry, as from a need to overcome poverty or past defeats: a hangry new investment firm looking to destroy older, more established companies.

We all know one (or more) people that get hangry when they haven't eaten in a while. I know several, myself. Now that we've successfully labeled these individuals and their behavior, we should discuss protective measures. The best way to protect oneself against the wrath of hangry people is to keep snacks on your person at all times (i.e. peanut M&Ms, peanut butter crackers, etc.). These items will help you combat most hangry people.

But if you ever find yourself without the aforementioned weapons, the best thing to do is either:

a) Point off to the distance, scream "Look, Arby's!", then run.
b) Offer up a limb to quell the hangry beast.
c) Curl up into fetal position and rock back and forth.
d) Cry like a little child.

Or

e) All of the above.

Good luck.

-e

How My iPhone Has Changed My Life

A lot of fuss was raised about 6 months ago when the mystical iPhone 3G came out. I was definitely one of the people raising said fuss. I was also one of the people (or “chumps,” depending on who you ask) who waited in line for some ridiculous amount of time (6-7 hours) after getting up at some ungodly hour in the morning (4:30am) the day after the phone came out.

Yes, of course, there was a lot of oo-ing and ah-ing when I first got it. I was enamored with its sleek curves, smart and capable operating system, and all-in-one-ness… I loved it. I loved my iPhone. I’m not afraid to admit it. I accepted my fate as an Apple Slut a long time ago.

Of course, there were plenty of people who didn’t understand and/or poo-pooed the whole spectacle. There were all kinds of debate over the merits/disadvantages of the touchscreen keyboard, the AT&T network, the contracts, etc etc.

6 months later, I still have my iPhone. And, yes, I still love it. But I thought it’d be interesting to report on if/how the iPhone has changed my life… for better or worse. Mind you, I realize there are other devices out there that could do some of these things and a lot of them existed before the iPhone. …But I didn’t have any of them :p I used to have the old school 6 GB iPod mini, an LG V6somethingorother, and a Palm TX.

So, with that, here we go:

iPhone Pros (yay!):

1) I don’t have to carry around an iPod, a cell phone and a Palm Pilot anymore.
2) I’m never bored on the subway. Or anywhere, really.
3) I can finally seamlessly sync my phone with my Mac.
4) I can carry around a lot more music.
5) I never get lost.
6) I have a digital notepad for lyric ideas, shopping lists, etc…
7) Keeping in touch (which I’m kind of obsessed with) is easier than ever.
8) I can use the song recognition applications to figure out the names/artists of songs that I hear when I’m out and about (not being able to do so is a HUGE pet peeve of mine).
9) I can reference and check e-mail wherever I get a cell or wi-fi signal.
10) I have a user-friendly, good looking and highly functional datebook.
11) My family’s now on a family plan, so it’s cheaper for everyone.
12) All my photos are easily accessible.
13) I can finally feel the phone vibrate in my pocket… and/or hear the ring in my earphones.

iPhone Cons (boo...):

1) The first time I’d thought I lost it, I FREAKED. THE EFF. OUT.
2) I sometimes worry about walking around with a highly desirable, pretty expensive, easily steal-able gadget in plain view.
3) I can’t talk on the iPhone in my house OR my office, since AT&T gets zero to one bars of signal in those places. I have since been forced to get a landline (gasp!) in my house. So much for those savings on my cell phone bill…
4) The 3G network in NYC kind of sucks. I suppose this hasn’t really changed things for me, other than the fact that when people ask me about the service, I always have to add in that caveat.
5) The first couple of times I dropped it, I FREAKED. THE EFF. OUT.
6) Despite the amazing error correction software, typing on the touchscreen keyboard is really difficult in a moving car. Or when drunk. Or when drunk in a moving car.
7) I can’t type without looking anymore.
8) I used to be one of “those guys.” (Though that’s changed since the phone has become so damn popular)
9) I’m already wondering how jealous I’m going to be of the owners of the next generation iPhone…

So, although the pros and cons are pretty evenly matched in terms of numbers, I think the value of the advantages far outweighs that of the disadvantages. I still love my iPhone and, as far as I can tell, it still loves me.

-e